listening: ai no uta (urban kiss ver.) // kumi koda
watching: silo epi 4
feeling: unsure, but it isn't good!

my thesis presentation date draws closer and closer, and i just don't feel good. this year has been awful and i'm glad that my teachers and advisors are understanding, but i can't help but feel incredible shame that i can't... achieve and do the things i want to do. my health only gets worse and worse, and for some reason i just can't accept it. my professor worries about my future employability and i do too. i'm worried that i'm too disabled to live alone or work to support myself. i'm worried that i'll just be stuck like this forever, with no support.

all my medical tests keep coming back inconclusive and i get referred for more testing. i honestly think that at this point, im too traumatized and sick and have hit a wall with recovery. i can't work 40 hour work weeks anymore. i can't drive without getting exhausted. everytime i do ANYTHING i become so exhausted and need to lay down. sometimes i crash for weeks. i have no answers. i have gotten better with time, treatment, and therapy, but it isn't ""BETTER"" in the way abled people want me to be. i don't know how to pretend. i don't know how to do what other people do. my body has been fighting me for years now and...

yesterday, my friend said that it was so awful that i'm as young as i am (26) and am so sick. every year is like a battering ram to my psyche and it erodes my health and will to live little by little, piece by piece. i injured my back on saturday and needed to use a rollator for a few days... it was easily the worst pain i'd ever been in, much worse than when i had nonpresenting walking pneumonia in 2016 and couldn't breathe or sleep without muscle relaxants and a steroid inhaler. and i was all alone, couldn't ask for help. no one would be there.

i don't know how to deal with any of these feelings. i want to work. i want a place of my own. i want health insurance. but my body... can't. right now, and for a long time, it can't. i'll be seeing a physical therapist in around a month for my physical issues, and i think i should try to get a referral to an occupational therapist for whatever the hell is going on with me. there has to be a solution. i see other people who are sick like me but they seem to be able to do these things... but they all seem so miserable. and some of them, i see them and they look sicker and sicker with each passing month. i can't end up like that. no one will be there to help me.

sorry for this horrible downer of an entry. things have been really difficult the past few years and i hope they'll only improve now that my MPH is wrapping up. i need a break, i need caregiving, i need something good to happen to me because it feels like only bad things have been happening. i don't know. maybe my dream of a stable life with loved ones isn't feasible. maybe me existing was a horrible mistake. who knows anymore. yippee